I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
