fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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