First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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