This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
