She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
