Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
