My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I could make wine with my vomit
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
