I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
