my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
