I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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