I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
