I want to have your abortion
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
