You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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