I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
