My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
