I accidentally had phone sex last night
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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