I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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