Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
