we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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