at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
