There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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