It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
