i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
