We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
