Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this will be a night to untag.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
