On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize