he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
