WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
