He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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