Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize