apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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