i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize