omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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