if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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