ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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