i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Randomize
