The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
