May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Help. Why am I so naked?
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