Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I understand Curling. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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