I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
