Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
