my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
