You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
