did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
