There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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