How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have already put on my inside pants.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
