my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
