She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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