two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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