Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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