I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You need Xanax blowdarts
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
