they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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