im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so let's talk penis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
