Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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