i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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