I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
