she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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