a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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