yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
