Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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