I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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