He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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