I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
this will be a night to untag.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
