I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
